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Submitted by kiwi soldier (bamyan afghanistan op crib 4, Some State) on 09.17.13

Shit yourself? Tell the world your story... it was a cold Afghanistan winters morning in bamyan province. i awoke at god knows what time in the morning to my asshole spazzing out like some unearthly daemon was about to emerge from me, i knew i didnt have much time to make it to the toilet block, it was a 200meter dash with a hesco barrier (2 levels of massive sacks filled with rocks) in between me and salvation. I slipped my boots on grabbed my rifle and also a towel as if i knew what was about to happen, i squeesed my ass together with enough force to make diamonds and legged it out the tent, i had to hopscotch my way to the hesco barrier as many men had tried and failed to get to the toilets and created a mine field of human excriment for me to negotiate. i made it to the barrier and leaped to the top in a few steps, i then turned to get down the wooden staircase.....this is were things went horribly wrong for me. the first step was my last, i slipped on ice and came crashing down ass first with enough force to lose the grip of my IW Styer assault rifle. The laws of physics were against me and i started juddering down the staircase ass first, i froze in sitting position powerless to do anything as i had to concintrate on holding this giant beast of a turd, my asshole withstood the pounding for the first 5 steps but then gave up on me, i remember the feeling of utter disbelief as i filled my shorts with mushy faeces, every step i hit, it impacted the shite into my ass cheeks and out my shorts covering my legs and boots, to make matters worse i hit a rail half way down sending me into a spin/roll, shit was spraying everywere, i remember warm droplets hitting my face. when i hit the ground i stood up, dropped dax, and emptyed the rest of my bowels at the bottom of the staircase. I was now presented with a couple of problems, 1- i was covered in shit at the bottom of a set of stairs and had no idea were my rifle had gone, 2- it was getting lighter and i could tell that in minuets it was going to be daylight and i risked being seen by the sentrys in the mud man state i was in. i saw a hole in the snow and pulled my rifle out, styers may be plastic but are solid things, i then i broke usain bolts record as i dashed to the shower block, nobody was in there thank god and i jumped in the shower clothes and all. luckily there was soap left in there and i was able to mask the smell of shit with herbal essance 2in1. I then calmly walked back to my bedspace, stepping over the steaming pile of mush i left there minuets earlyer, nobody questioned why returned soaking wet or seemed to link me to the shit at the bottom of the stairs after several people stepped in it. the PHANTOM SHITTER was born and copped the blame for the fecal minefield iswell, i still think the taliban infiltrated the base and poisoned the chicken madras we ate the night befor!! bastards!!

Vote:Yeah! You Shit the *Shit* out of yourself! 365 Not So Much 335


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