Submitted by Brown Stank (Some City, NY) on 09.03.14

It was the first day of college. I was so nervous! I always hate those first couple days where you're getting used to everything. Meeting new people and taking on new courses isn't easy. Especially after you've shit yourself...
It was orientation where we all basically had to pick a seat, and go around the room and introduce ourselves. Beside me were two of the hottest blondes I have ever seen. I swear, the one on my left smelled like roses. The one on the right was wearing this really tight skirt, and I almost fell out of my seat. Anyways, the teacher was pointing with this pointer at the class, from the front to the back to introduce themselves. After about 5 people, I just began to feel really queazy. Ya know, but stomach got all heavy, and it felt like there was a knife being dragged from one side to the other. I readjusted my ass on the hard seat, hoping to squeeze my cheeks together as tight as I could, because right then and there - I swear, I was gonna shit myself.
The girl beside me introduced herself as Tina, and right when she opened her mouth, I just felt so nervous that I let out this squeak in the seat, and she just stopped abruptly. I quickly put my hands on the rungs of my binder, and announced to the few around me that my binder was a bit rusty. It almost worked, until the radius around me just began to stink horribly. Like water with 90% sulfer. The girl started gagging as she was in mid speech, and I just felt so embarassed and bad. When it came my turn, she was literally facing the other way, and as I looked around the classroom, everyones noses just had this clenched, stiff look.
I said - 'Hey guys, my name is Gerome, and ..." I think it was the burrito my mom made me the night before, but boy do I regret wearing those look gym shorts. I turned on my left cheek, and just relaxed my anus. The sound of splashing water took off out my shorts, and splashed all over blondies Louis Vuitton. Her bag which was now chocolate brown, used to be cream.
I fell out of my seat from the projectile, and my body began spinning in circles on the carpet - u heard me on the carpet, because my shit was so strong. After tons of rug burn, and covering the whole class in my guano, I had to walk out of the classroom doing a handstand so the gravity wouldn't take anymore effect on my bowels.
I was rushed to the doctor after that, who diagnosed me with shartitus. I am on treatment now tho. After that, I asked Tina out, and she said yes.
You might enjoy this book I found, that helped me with my shit discharge. It brought out the humour in an otherwise uncomfortable illness that effects me eryday.


Vote:Yeah! You Shit the *Shit* out of yourself! 322 Not So Much 259

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