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Submitted by Hippie (Washington, DC, DC) on 10.05.10

When I was about 13 I had some issues with constipation. Nothing too bad, it mainly amounted to me only pooping once every couple of days, and when I did poop those turds were wide, long, and as hard as a brick.

Anyway, one day I was in a mall (and a rather snooty one I might add) and I suddenly felt the urge to shit. Now I don't know if you've ever had to take a crap when you're dealing with constipation or not, but let me tell you - the urge to shit is ten times stronger when you've been constipated compared to when you aren't constipated. So there I was in the middle of this mall and I had to crap, and bad. I looked around for a bathroom and saw a sign. I followed the sign to another sign, and then followed that sign to another sign that pointed to the upper level of the mall. I hopped on the escalator, clenching my cheeks together so tight I couldn't breathe. I was already doing the duck walk and I hadn't even crapped myself yet.

Almost as soon as I stepped on the escalator, the turd began to crown. I couldn't stop it. My face was red, I was sweating, heart pounding, every muscle in my body was tense... and the turd was slowly sliding out. Somehow I managed to muster the strength to pinch off the small part that had escaped. The tiny turd fell into my underpants and it felt heavy, like someone had just dropped a rock in my pants.

Now I didn't want to finish my escalator trip and make the walk to the bathroom with a turd in my pants. So, I did what any normal and mature male would do. I shook my pants until I felt the turd come tumbling down the leg of my pants, and then I saw (and heard!) it hit the step of the escalator that I was standing on. It was about the size of a golf ball. This whole time I was very lucky in that the only people anywhere near me had just gotten onto the escalator at the bottom, and they weren't paying attention to me so I'm sure they had no idea what lay ahead...

Suddenly I looked up and realized that I was almost at the top of the escalator. I readied myself, and hopped off. As I turned to look behind me, I noticed that the golf ball turd had become trapped in front of the grate at the top of the escalator. It wasn't being squished or flattened. Instead, it was just rolling in place. The flat steps at the top of the escalator were rolling it along, as if the turd ball was on a treadmill. It was one of the funniest things I ever saw. I would've watched it longer, but then I realized that a group of people on the escalator were rapidly approaching the top, so I had to get the hell outta' dodge! Plus, I still had to take a massive shit... one that would end up clogging the hell out of the toilet.

And that was the day (one of the many, actually) that I shit myself.

Vote:Yeah! You Shit the *Shit* out of yourself! 1095 Not So Much 946


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